Tuesday, 3 September 2013

One Week Later

OK, so, this time last Tuesday I was curled up in a ball, a crying, sobbing mess. I was screaming the words “I can’t live like this, please, I just want it to stop. Mama, I want my life back, I am so scared, I want my life back”. The Mama was so strong for us. She told me plain and simple that she believed deep down inside that I was ready to relinquish the meal plans. After all, I had been going so long without measuring or weighing most of my food, have been weighing myself less and less and was simply fed up with the endless food prep, denying myself food that is perfectly healthy (like fruits and veggies, almond butter, other healthy fats, and carbohydrates) just because they didn’t “fit” into my meal plan. She asked me what I wanted. So I told her:

“I want a fucking ice cream cone”.

So that’s what we did. We went for ice cream (regular ice cream as opposed to “fucking ice cream”, or as I like to call it, freedom ice cream), and I decided then and there that I was beginning the rest of my life. It would be tough, scary as shit, and probably paralyzing with the amount of fear, frustration and emotional/psychological pain I was going to go through, but it would all be worth it in the end. 

Freedom Ice Cream, bitches

 This past week has been one of the toughest in my recovery since the beginning.

It was like starting the program all over again. Make myself eat, listen to my body, make CHOICES. I’m not too good at the choices part just yet, but I am getting better. I also think I’m subconsciously falling short of my eating goals out of fear (I am no longer using the word "caloric", as they don't really matter so long as I eat good foods and enjoy what I eat), but I am dealing and coping with that by giving myself lots of positive affirmations (and seconds of dinner!). Some days are better than others. Yesterday, for example, was pretty terrible. I am really sad that I will not be returning to school. This caused a lot of anxiety and got me to worrying about my future, money, career choices, dating, making friends, life in general… Needless to say the stress sent me into a spiral and caused some ED thoughts and behaviors to creep out in the open. I felt undeserving. I even had the nerve to say “I was stupid for thinking I could do this”. Thank frig the Mama was present. She gave me a good kick in the arse. Yesterday was a challenge, but today was better. I was brave, faced my fears of the dentist and even had my first family meal in years. We had scallops, rice, garden carrots and zucchini. I helped prepare the meal with the Mama, which was super fun! I haven’t had scallops in at least 2 years, so I was nervous, scared, proud, and very determined. A big change from yesterday. I ate that motherfucking plate of deliousness too quickly to include a picture, so you get to see the first breakfast of the rest of my life: overnight oats made with apples, milk and greek yogurt with a big ass fucking spoonful of almond butter mixed in.

...Freedom oats?

 Other things that have happened this week have included a small bout of depression in which I am disappointed in myself for creeping ED thoughts or wanting to revert back to old, restrictive behaviors. I deal effectively and I push on through. I do this by keeping busy and concentrating on things that have the potential to make me happy. I’ve even been picking up my guitar again. The only issue that really seriously bugs me is the ED thoughts that are willing me to exercise more than my regular regime, as if to “make up for” the food I’m eating. As if I need to “deserve” food. First, this is complete and utter bullshit, and second,  I am proud to say that I am combatting this by incorporating even more rest days into my schedule (as if to say “yeah, well fuck you, ED”) and sticking to my usual cardio/resistance training routines, enjoying them for the sake of being healthful and rebuilding  my body, not as a tool to compensate for eating.

This weekend I socialized, I went with the flow, I biked almost 20 kilometers through the beautiful Margaree valley, got out for a run, and did a lot of reading. The weather wasn’t great, but I found things to do. The Mama bought me a beautiful coffee mug made in Prince Edward Island. It was done at a potters shop and is absolutely unique and beautiful (like me! and you! and you and you!). She owed it to me, as she broke my favorite mug (which is a crime against humanity. I love my coffee mugs). I have eaten things that I haven’t allowed myself before such as lots and lots (and lots) of almond butter, nuts, dried fruit, different vegetables, and different meat choices. I have started  drinking caloric beverages without using measuring cups. For this I am proud. Each step is scary yet so empowering.

So, all in all I guess what I’m trying to say is that I survived this week. I didn’t “get fat” from eating what I wanted, I dealt with a lot of fear, anxiety and depression, but I showed myself in the end how strong I am, how I can cope with what I cannot control, how I can be strong for myself, how I can trust myself, and how this is going to be a feasible thing. It’s going to be sustainable despite the difficulty, and it’s going to require a lot of energy from here on in (no wonder I’m exhausted at the end of each day), but I’ve got this. I get to see my psychologist soon too. He’s been on vacation, so it’s been especially interesting not having the appointments. Either way, that begins on the tenth, and I’m pretty excited to show him how far I’ve come. I’ve got the support, I’ve got a plan. My goals are not unrealistic. I am not flying off the handle and getting ahead of myself. I have realized this.

I will be free.You can be free, too.

Keep fighting.

Oh, and I smiled. I smiled, and I meant it.

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