Thursday, 12 September 2013

So, I’ve Survived Another Week

I’ve survived another week

So, it’s now been two weeks since my “re-birth”. The one deduction I have made for sure is the following:

Holy sweet Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, this shit is hard. Like. Really  difficult. Like, even wearing your good luck rocket ship underwear won’t help difficult.

Yeah, I’m getting pretty good at choosing food (and by pretty good, I mean I can actually make a decision about what to eat for lunch without staring into the fridge agonizing over potential choices for a half an hour), I’m working on not “eating numbers” and not counting calories (or, the C-word as I like to call them) – I’m focusing instead on eating what my body wants rather than what ED thinks I should have. If in the end that means I consume double the magical amount of calories I have allotted myself in the past, then so be it. I eat really healthy food, so everything I am in taking is benefiting both my body and mind. I have half a mind to think I have actually consumed more these past two weeks than I have in past months simply because I am concentrating on eating higher caloric foods that have major health benefits (nut butters, trail mix, using oils and butter in my cooking, that stuff that I apparently wasn’t “allowed” before). I’ve gotten past the “carb” fear for the most part as well. No more of this  “No oatmeal and pasta in the same day” nonsense. I really enjoy grocery shopping again (IT’S SO GODDAMN FUN NOW) and I plan on beginning to cook recipes and bake again!

The hard part of all of this however, is honoring my hunger. I have to really work to get past the idea that it is OK to be hungry at random times of the day and that it is perfectly acceptable to honor that hunger with some food. I had this mentality for the longest time that was so rigid… “You have eaten breakfast, therefore you are full, you may not eat again until X time”. It was just a part of that whole regime that really held on to the greater part of me. I get a little nervous when I have a snack, or I get more food to munch on even if it’s been only twenty minutes since lunch. I get these poison thoughts that I have to “trade” that snack for another, that I must eat less later in order to “make up for it”. Like I mentioned before, our bodies need fuel. Somedays we are more hungry than others. In my case, I am hungry almost all of the time. This makes sense to me. I’m rebuilding my body, I’m tall, I’m active, I workout… this is all a recipe for energy expenditure so it’s really no surprise my tummy in in almost a constant state of “ERMAHGERD HEATHER FEEEEED MEEEEEE”. At first I was scared I wouldn’t be able to stop eating, but low and behold, I do get full. Who would have thought it.

Another thing I’ve noticed is a lot of the underlying reasons I think I ended up with this disorder in the first place. It actually sort of clicked yesterday. See, I’ve been craving “treats” lately. Chocolate, another ice cream cone, buying popcorn at the movies, you get the picture. I also challenge ED and do things like eat more food instead off drinking coffee or soda when I’m still a little hungry after a meal or am feeling snacky. I am very proud of myself and then all of a sudden I panic. I should not feel this happiness. I should not feel this bravery. What am I thinking?! I can’t do this! I am not deserving of this freedom! Who am I to think I could have that greek yogurt and granola for dessert after lunch!? Who was I to even allow the thought of getting an ice cream to cross my mind! I have this big fucking issue with the fact that I, for some reason, feel I am not an adequate human being. And that, friends, is fucked, and needs to change.

Bottom line is that I am feeling guilt and fear over things I should be happy about. I do not feel I deserve the freedom I am fighting for. This leads to tears, screaming, almost panic attacks. It sucks. A strong day gets sucked down the tubes for a little bit. The positive thing here is that these bad moments are nothing compared to the bad moments this time last year. I understand that in order to get past this I have to acknowledge these feelings and get through them. That doesn’t mean the “getting through them” process doesn’t suck right out loud. It’s a necessary step, and the thoughts will go away in time. I’m being mindful, patient, and deliberate because I know what I am fighting towards and I know that I will have my freedom, the freedom we are all capable of having.

I guess that’s what I’ve been dealing with for now. I will tell you, every day is different. Some are up, others are down. Sometimes I have a good day and a bad day all wrapped into one. Sometimes they start off badly and end strong. The main thing here is that I focus on my goals: eat when I am hungry, eat what I want, keep working to put weight on, exercise, smile… Smile and mean it.

Outside of the whole abandoning calories and planning and shit, I’ve been having a pretty interesting life. I mean, summer is winding down. That means no more cabin for this girl. I want to get out on a few more hikes before it gets too cold. I’ve been running, exercising (the RIGHT amount), and trying new things. I’ve been social on purpose and have made coffee dates. I even went to the movies last night! I actually had a really good time! Usually going to the movies is a huge stress on me, as is any social situation I force myself into, but I was really comfortable, and I had a seriously awesome time (I even had a few pieces of my brother’s girlfriend’s candy as I was feeling a little brave at the moment. Twas delicious). I really see a good friendship in the makes here, which is nice.

Speaking of friends, I`m trying to make new ones. I had a lot of people walk out on me in my life because of ED, my last relationship ended because of ED, and the people who stuck by me live very far away at the moment. I am sick of being a recluse, so new friends it is! I kind of want to keep my eye out for a potential date in the future as well…What. It could happen!

Hrm… What else is new.. . OH! I got paid today for doing a bit of a research project for the company I am currently interning at! Work relevant to my degree! Money! Yay! I also had a job interview for a clothing store. Just something part time so I can fill my free time while people are at work/school. I can’t work out all the time, and when I’m home alone for extended periods with nothing to do I get antsy – hence the making friends and getting a job schtick. I’m reading a lot too. Like… an insane amount. I need to get my sorry ass in gear soon though. I really want to start speaking about media literacy and eating disorders. I visited a Jr. High school last year, but I would really like to “go on tour”, if you would. I have a presentation already, I just need to tailor it to different age groups. I might turn it into a little workshop… Throw a fun activity in there. Who really likes to listen to one person drone on for an hour even if the topic IS absolutely riveting? It just doesn’t happen, so games and crafts help.

In the end, I guess this post is dedicated to showing you all that I am alive and “well”. The storm in my head is a-raging. Things are getting more difficult, but I know that they need to get harder before they eventually get better. So, in the meantime, I’m going to concentrate on kicking ass in any way I can. ED is trying to take a hold on me every day… I think he realizes that this breakup is the real deal.

That poor fucker. He won’t even see it coming. I mean, this break up is going to be so epic that Taylor Swift is going to write a song about it.

That’s serious shit.

Stay Awesome.

1 comment:

  1. Heather this post is so admirable and brave. Your honesty is so refreshing and I have so much faith in you. Recovery will continue to bring its fair share of battles. Awareness is the first step and you are completely aware. Just keep challenging those disordered thoughts and hold on on to hope that complete freedom is possible, and you my friend will get there. I can see it in you. I"m so happy to have you in my life.