Back with a Vengeance

Hi.

I guess it’s been a while, eh? I should probably thank you all again for being so patient while I went on this hiatus… So I will.

Thanks. You guys rock my socks (though I am not wearing socks right now…With this being said I will correct myself by saying that you guys rock my imaginary socks off).

In short, I have been kicking ass. Now, this isn’t to say that the reason for this hiatus was because of crushing depression, regular panic attacks and feeling as if I needed to give up and just be sad for a while. Let’s face it, we all need to mope. We all “get sad”. It isn’t as easy to “snap out of it” or “lighten up” as people might think. I tend to think of it in the sense that being sad is being upset when almost everything in your life is going wrong, but depressed as being upset when almost everything in your life is going right. That’s what was happening to me. I mean, besides my obvious struggles with this whole Anorexia Nervosa thing, there were a lot (and I mean a lot) of things happening to me that should have cause excitement and hope. However, there was nothing. The feelings radar was hitting a zero, and I could have cared less if you told me my pet bird died, or that you were going to amputate my left arm for no apparent reason. This was reality for quite some time. Day in and day out I was faced with a major episode of depression on top of pushing myself through some pretty tough steps within my recovery. My therapist is on vacation and I am on my own, people are getting ready to go back to school and I am jobless with no future plans, I feel useless, I am lonely, and I feel as if I have no friends. Every day I went through the paces. Wake up, eat, walk, eat, go to the gym, eat, exist, eat. This cycle sucked a big fat old Popsicle (if you catch my drift), and I was looking forward to ED fucking off and being a shadowy figure in my life rather than trying to hold my god damned hand all of the fucking time. I just couldn’t see it happening. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Then something happened.

I couldn’t tell you what it was, but something clicked that made me shake this crappy mood and move on with my life. I started to recognize that I had made and was making leaps and bounds, that I had potential, and that I was entitled to feeling “good” and doing the things I wanted to do because I, Heather Evans, wanted to fucking do them. You could call it an epiphany, or some sort of divine intervention, but I look at it as one step closer to taking my life back, and developing a new one. By no means have I been magically cured, but I’ve found a new strength that I hope lasts for quite some time. I know ED is going to try and sabotage this, but to be completely honest, I see no room for his bullshittery and his utter disregard for human life in my future plans. So, dear Edward, quit being an asshole before I have to poke you with pointy sticks. Hell, I’ll probably poke you with pointy sticks anyway, but it might not be as bad for you if you weren’t such a dick.

In short, I’m hoping to be blogging a hell of a lot more. I feel as if I’ve got my shit together somewhat. I suppose the reason for this is because I’ve been faced with some major recovery goals that aren’t too far off. Unless I get my pretty little ass in gear, I won’t reach those goals. Then I will feel crappy, which is never a great way to feel.

Some of the accomplishments I have made over the past little while:

• Moving on to not weighing and measuring food items more and more. I am now at the point where whatever I have planned for dinner is not measured or weighed. I kept this up for ten days before deciding to continue on by not measuring/weighing dinner PLUS one other food item in my day.
• Not weighing myself as often. I call them "No-Weigh!" day (like "no way!", get it?) and do two to three a week.
•   I’ve been able to snack on food while I cook, take a sample in the grocery store because I want to try something, have a piece of chocolate after dinner because I feel like something sweet. 
•  I ran the road race that I had been working toward. I came 30^th out of 88 runners (Which I think is pretty damned impressive for a first time!)! Harv ran it with me, and as I have mentioned before, this means the world to me. To have his support during that time was unexplainable. In February, I was unable to climb a flight of stairs without severe chest pain. I can now safely say that my physical body is kicking ass. 
•    I had my first beer since going into recovery. It tasted like freedom. I felt no guilt. No shame. I hope this is a sign. 
•   Tried new foods and started planning my eating around the activities in my day, not the other way around. Example: I was able to go on an afternoon whale watching cruise with mama and work my meals around that whereas even two months ago, this would not be an option.
• I don’t find myself doing my meal plans as meticulously as I used to. I change things on the fly. I even went so far as to not plan lunch the other day, and ate what I felt like. 
•  I am recognizing intuitive eating patterns. I eat when I’m hungry, and stop when I’m full. Yesterday I didn’t finish my dinner because I was able to recognize that I was too full and my body has had enough. 
• I am listening to my body more. I am taking more rest days from physical activity when my body tells me to.
•   I have an “internship” of sorts at a consulting company near my hometown. They have invited me to go to an overnight conference in October, so that is something I am working toward accomplishing. I agreed to go, so I have to put my big girl pants on and do this thang.
• I had a meal with my parents and their two friends. They had ribs, I had my own meal that I was comfortable eating. Point was I ate in front of people and I handled it well. 
•  I have made a conscious effort to be more social.
• I try to no longer use the word “deserve” (as in I deserve recovery, I deserve a break). I want to start using the word “entitled”. Being happy is my right as a human being. 

Right after we ran the Road Race. Proudest Moment, big recovery goal!

That probably isn’t all of it, but there’s a few of the things I have been up to lately. No wonder I’m tired, eh? All of this is taxing on the old brain and emotions, and there are days I get tired, cranky, frustrated, and upset, but I feel as if I’m doing a pretty good job of things overall. I have made some major goals, and am currently in the process of making a pretty poster of things that I need to accomplish in order to complete these overall goals. By breaking things down into baby steps and taking my time through them, I see less of a chance for failure and more of a chance of continuing to kick ass and accomplish lots within my recovery.

OH!

Tonight is pizza night! For the longest time I have been unable to make pizzas. The fact that I had to measure and count every little item and be so meticulous and obsessive just made pizza an undesirable food for me. It would have been far too much mental and emotional work and cause too much stress. Because of my recent accomplishment in not measuring or weighing my dinner foods, I am ready to make the plunge with pizza again! We’re doing personal sized pizzas because we all like different toppings, but the fact of the matter is is that all the ingredients have been chopped up and put into baggies. I have to choose how much or how little I want on my pizza. I was anxious at first, but now I’m really excited for my first pizza in… Wow, I don’t remember the last time I had pizza. If I had to guess, the last time I had pizza was February 2012, my 21^st birthday. That’s a long time ago!

Anyway, that’s it for now. I just want to let you all know that yes, I am alive, yes, I am surviving, yes, I am still fighting hard. This hiatus is over. This I am happy to say.

Keep being awesome.

Heath