Re: The Shitty Days

We all have them. Mine have just been a lot more frequent than they usually are. I’m told this depression stems from a lot of things happening within my recovery including (but not limited to) my changing body, gaining and continuing to try to gain weight, ED thoughts/feelings, temptations to restrict, hitting a definite plateau and not knowing where to go, lack of friends despite my attempts at reconnecting with people without seeming too desperate, anxiety over the possibility of not getting better, wanting to be social, date, enjoy people without fear, lack of purpose in my life, feeling alone despite being surrounded by people.

Geez, reading that list is a major bummer. Good thing I’m here to put on the happy face and give some suggestions on what to do when you face a shitty day, week, or even month. I mean, it doesn’t take the pain away, at least, it doesn’t for me. Keeping myself “busy” helps, though. Now, some of these suggestions may just seem bogus to you, but they work for me.

I’m a shell in a sense. I don’t know where my days go. I feel as if I have accomplished nothing day in and day out despite being on the move, doing chores, running errands, and exercising. Before I know it, I look at the clock and it’s time to sleep. It’s a weird limbo, and it sucks. I understand that in order to move onward and upward I need to deal with the root of these issues, which is essentially dealing with my emotions, learning about myself, and learning how to trust myself.

So, in lieu of the shitty days, here’s a list of things I like to busy myself with in order to occupy the ramblings in my mind and potentially make me smile, for even a fraction of a second. A real smile. Not one that’s forced in order to seem “OK”, or one that is placed in a conversation as an attempt to socialize normally and appear like you have it together.

Zee Leest:

• Read (Everything. I have been reading like a monster, if monsters are active readers, that is. I have a list of books to download for my Kobo, as well as several paperbacks borrowed from my Aunt. I have also been reading a lot of different blogs as of late. I am trying to get into the blogging world a little more anyway, and I figure getting familiar with those out there who share the same love for writing as I do is a good place to start and make connections) 
• Write (This usually involves a blog post. I used to write music. I need to start doing that again. Writing music used to be so freeing. It’s something ED stole from me, and it’s something I need to get back) 
•  Exercise (There’s nothing wrong with some good, healthy exercise. I go to the gym regularly as part of my recovery in order to gain muscle, get my fitness level back to where it was when I was an athlete and to become a tank, let’s face it. All jokes aside, exercise has the ability to release all sorts of happy feelings. It’s a good way to wind down and relax. I go for walks, do yoga, lift weights, jog… Soon I’ll be able to swim and hike once the weather allows it. HOWEVER, you need to be damn careful with this whole exercise business. We ED sufferers usually have a touchy relationship with exercise. I used to run myself into the fucking ground. I was exercising for the wrong reasons. To keep myself on track I write down my routines and make sure I incorporate plenty of rest and recovery days in my week. That way my body can build itself into this healthy, strong, ass-kicking machine without fear of over training or slipping in my meal plan. Exercise also helps me look at food as fuel and nourishment. If I don’t eat the right way, I won’t get benefit from my exercise and I might lose weight, which is just fucking bad all around)
•  Eat your gosh darn food, damnit (If you’re anything like me, reaching my caloric goals for the day is an accomplishment I am very proud of. Not doing so would make me feel worse in the end than skipping a meal or snack would. So on the tough days, power through, you’ll thank yourself. We fucking deserve recovery, so take the bull by the horns, you've got this) 
• Have a relaxing routine (I have a morning ritual. It involves cuddling up on the couch with a herbal tea of some sort. I read, or blog, or write. After a while I eat a damn good breakfast and head off to the gym. In other words, wind down before the day even starts. It helps clear the mind) 
• Use your support system (I’ve been doing this one a lot. My main support nowadays are my Mama and Harv. They are fantastic, understanding, and are rooting me through this. They understand my frustrations (e.g.: people thinking you’re “better” just because you are starting to “look” better) and they are patient with me) 
• Take some you time (I am so fucking bad at this. The issue is, when I’m depressed, I don’t WANT to do anything. So this one is an effort. I’ve got all of these art supplies, a lovely guitar, yoga class, choir, a musical to anticipate going to, the gym, Netflix, books… and I just don’t want any of it. It’s as if I’ve got writer’s block, except it’s more like LIFE block. I’ve just got to bite the bullet. I plan on doing that today. I’m going to try and paint again… After many failed attempts at beginning  a painting, a doodle, or a sketch, I’m going to follow through) 
• Take the time to be sad (Sometimes you just need to recognize the fact that life is shit, and be sad. Deal with it and take the time you need. It may be easier than putting up a wall and pushing it away. I need to improve on this one) 
• Look for inspiration and hope (I tend to seek out other bloggers who write about their recovery, listen/read the stories of recovered individuals, look up quotes and photos that give me hope and help me along with this whole recovery business…This often means spending loads of time on Pinterest)

So, there you have it. Some suggestions/a glimpse into what I do in order to deal with the shitty days. Sometimes it involves wearing a big sweater in order to stop myself from body checking, or having my mom tell me when meal times are. Sometimes it involves sitting down and crying. In the end, I get through my day and I face another. They may seem really bleak now, but I’m still fighting. That means you can too.

On a happier note

I saw a musical this week! Beauty and the Beast was playing, and Mama and I volunteered as ushers for the show. So, we basically sat people in their seats and then pretty much got to watch the show for free. It was a volunteer thing, and to be honest, was pretty good practice for me with crowds, talking to people, social anxiety, all that jazz. I handled things pretty well, and I enjoyed the show for the most part. It was in a hockey arena (which I understand because of the sheer size of the stage/props and our community’s lack of accommodations for such a thing) so you lost some of the intimacy you get with theater, but all in all I enjoyed it very much. The actors were great, the orchestra sounded fantastic, and the songs were phenomenal.

I have a photo viewing on Monday to look at my grad photos I finally got taken. I had been avoiding this for a long time for reasons spanning my fear of the camera to the fact that I looked like rat shit. I’m serious. I did not want my graduating year to be depicted by the shell of a human with yellowing skin, dead, cracked hair that was falling out in clumps and a smile that meant nothing. It was an interesting experience, the photos. I felt surprisingly confident in myself afterward, so I am excited to see how they turned out.

Les Miserables is playing this week on stage with a live orchestra, and Mama and I have tickets for the Tuesday night show. I am extremely excited about this.

I’m trying to be easier on myself. My main goal is to actually take my rest and recovery days for rest and recovery. This means trying to sleep in, not feeling the compulsion to do some form of exercise so I won’t feel “lazy”, but just to “be”. I also want to try and do something that gives my life a bit of meaning. Blogging is already one of those things, but since I am taking the summer off of work in order to focus on my health, I have a lot of free time. I'm looking into places to volunteer. Even a few hours a week could make a difference in my life as well as within the life of others.

I’m also working on compiling a list of blogs and photos that give me inspiration day in and day out to stick with this whole recovery schtick, and to keep as positive as I possibly can during this time, so keep an eye out for that.

Well, that’s it for now. Thanks for reading, commenting, sharing, etc,etc,etc. I would be a fucking liar if I didn’t say that your love and support means the goddamn world to me.

Heath

Getting My Ass in Gear

A lot has happened recently.

I mean, there's that whole Abercrombie & Fitch bullshittery taking over the internet, for starters. I myself am not going to get into it (even though I would love to, however, I feel as if I missed the boat like I did with the Dove Real Beauty Sketches. That, and I am simply not in the head space to get ranty about the many shanangigans of fatism and discrimination within the fashion industry). I will, however, provide you with some links that I feel have been pretty empowering, entertaining,and insightful in addressing this situation! Ellen weighed in on the situation too, and Ellen is just fucking awesome, let's face it. When I do decide to sit down and write about a topic related to this situation, I think it will take a more "skinny chick who used to be a fat chick and finds this bullshit rather unnerving and offensive" point of view. More a take on the fashion industry in general, using this most recent example as a spring board. In a nut shell, the way I'm looking at this is that the CEO of A&F has provided we the people with yet another way in which to bring to the surface issues surrounding discrimination because of things like body size/shape. This can lead to all sorts of discussions surrounding discrimination, fatism, fat phobia, the fashion industry, and even dive into other topics like ageism, racism, discrimination on basis of sex, religion, orientation... Anything really. So I guess we have Mike Jeffries to thank for that.

Thank you, Mike Doucheba- erm.. Mike Jeffries. 

In other news

I am a University graduate! On Monday I made what seemed to be an impossibly long walk across a stage where I had to kneel in front of Peter Mansbridge, our school's Chancellor, listen to a bunch of Latin, make small talk with the President of the school and then receive a deree, clunk down a precarious set of stairs and make it back to my seat. I did this in one breath, no word of lie. I also don't really remember the process. I was more focused on not falling flat on my face in front of both the graduating class, their guests, and all of the people on stage. There were also a few other things on my mind.

I have mentioned in previous postage that I'm feeling really uncomfortable with my body. It's as if I'm re-experiencing puberty. It's awkward, difficult, and is something I really don't enjoy experiencing. I am more often than not forcing myself into social situations in order to make my life more "normal" and to integrate into society again. This is difficult. Dealing with my changing body, the ED thoughts, and the feelngs of insecurity, vulnerability and as if I am being judged constantly by on-lookers is less than a fucking stroll in the park in the merry month of May (which, for us, hasn't been so merry. It snowed yesterday. It fucking snowed). Anyway, for me to be able to face a situation where all attention is actually directed at me for a certain amount of time, and pull through it like a pro was causing a lot of anxiety and fear. But hey, I got through it, and I was able to focus on the fact that graduating this year meant so much more than just "graduating". This past Monday was a symbol of success and perseverance. I was able to actually complete my degree and fulfill a part of my academic dream (graduating with an Honors Degree in a  field that I love). It shows that I am still driven, and that I've got fight. So, if I've got fight in this area, why can't I continue to fight ED? It's fucking exhausting, let me tell you, but I'm told it's going to be worth it. And I believe it. Sometimes it's hard to believe, but I believe it.

In the end I graduated with a First Class Honors Degree in Sociology, a minor in Psychology, all with distinction. Don't ask me how I did it, I wonder that myself. All I know is that I was fully prepared to lose this year, but with the help, understanding and support of the fine professors and friends I have at my University, I was able to accomplish this milestone. 

Some of you may recognize him as chief correspondent for CBC News and anchor of The National. he's also Mount Allison University's Chancellor, go figure.

All hooded and graduated, bitches.

I'm really not in the headspace right now to talk about much else. Things have been quite rough lately, I'm not going to lie. I will tell you that I haven't slacked off, that I'm working as hard as ever, and that I have no intentions on giving up. I guess I'm just sick of coping, sick of putting on the brave face...

sick of being sick

I know it sounds like I'm wallowing in my own self pity. "Poor me, poor me, my life sucks and I'm sick". This is not my intention. There are ups and downs in this battle. ED is rearing his ugly ass head, and it's causing me to have a lot of pretty shitty days. The last thing I want to hear or tell myself is to "stay positive", that "it'll get better", but hey, I guess that's the reality of it. All of this shit takes time. This doesn't mean I've got to like it. I'll keep on truckin', it's the only choice I've got.

Until next time,
Heath

It Impacts…Everything?

Yo.

Ok, that was really lame. Let’s start over.

Hi there.

Also lame… OK, I’ve ruined the moment.

So. As promised, I figured I’d throw my two cents worth in on the viral video that has been gracing the interwebz as of late. It took me a while to get to it, but as you can see, I’ve been one busy sonuva lately. I had several friends ask me to weigh in on the Dove Real Beauty Sketches commercials. As I am not one to ignore my readership or my lovely friends, here she goes. I’m going to try and keep things rather brief, seeing as I’m a little behind on the times with this topic, and that I’m sure that most of what I am saying here has been said before. I don’t want to try to reinvent the wheel, but it’s worth it to me to put my own opinions out on the table. You don’t have to agree with me, I don’t expect you to. If you do, hey, great, go you! If not, well, thanks for putting yourself through this analysis. 

On a completely unrelated note I am listening to a really great cover of No Woman No Cry by Xavier Rudd. 

Anyway, Dove has been at this real Beauty schtick for quite some time. They have covered warning our young ladies about the dangers of media influence through exposing photoshop techniques used for magazines and billboards, have tackled the “beauty at any size” movement, and have provided a pretty solid message that loving one’s body is important, no matter what size/shape/color it may be. Your body shouldn’t matter so long as YOU are comfortable in your own skin (and that Dove body washes and other products can help you embrace yourself and practice self-love moreso than any other product or tactic it seems). They took a bit of a different approach with the Dove Real Beauty Sketches. For those of you who haven’t seen the video, I’ll provide it once again. If you really don’t want to take the time to watch it, I will provide a short summary (though I don’t really understand your reading this blog post if seeing the video wasn’t part of your reason for reading, but whatever floats your boat). 

The video begin with attention being drawn toward a forensic artist who will be a part of a little “experiment” Dove is putting on. Various women show up to a place where they have never been before, enter a large, spacious room, and describe their facial structure to the artist, who fixes a sketch based on what he is being told by these women. When he is finished, the women leave. The artist and the participants do not see one another.

Now, it just so happens that these women were told to get friendly with a stranger who was presumably in the same waiting room at they were. This stranger is also interviewed by the artist, and asked to describe the participant they had gotten to know. In the end, the original women re-enter the room only to be shown two sketches – one based on what they thought of themselves, the other drawn based on a description from the stranger they were told to get to know. This exercise seems very humbling for all of the women featured. They realize that they need to re-discover and embrace their own inner beauty, that they are their own worst critics, and that other people definitely see you differently than you see yourself. 

Now. This is all well and good. Let’s all go out in the world with a weight lifted off of our shoulders because now we are officially armed with the knowledge that what we as women see ourselves as is a distorted image of ugliness and (therefore) unhappiness! We have been presented with the “ah-ha” moment that frees us from the constraints of judgement. We are free to love ourselves! Do a happy dance! 

Or don’t, that’s up to you.

What I’m getting at here is that there are some latent messages within this video that I feel aren’t so liberating. I won’t lie, the overall message that the Dove Real Beauty sketches is getting at is a really good one! I am a firm believer that we (especially women) are far too hard on ourselves, constantly challenging what needs to be “fixed” and preoccupying our time (consciously or sub-consciously) trying to fit into some “norm” or ideal that in essence does not really exist.  I feel the overall message Dove is trying to convey is that women really need to embrace themselves as who they are, not what they think they see (which has been shaped, formed, and distorted by such things as media influence, objectification, patriarchy and misogyny). It’s the whole “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” type deal – that beauty can mean something different for everyone, and we all have it, just in our own special way (how’s that for individualism?). 

What my issue is (and I know that this is the issue that many respondents have had with this video, like I said, I don’t want to try and reinvent the wheel here) is that The Dove Real Beauty Sketches made me more aware of just how deep and ingrained Western Beauty ideals are within our society today.

• I was first tipped off by the narrow sample size, which included a majority of Caucasian, middle (ish) aged women, no women with disabilities (that we could see), no old women (who are very often made invisible by the media), and no large women.

• The way in which the strangers described the participants was interesting. What I mean here is that their choice of phrasing the “beauty” of the women they got to know followed a pretty rigid line as to what beauty may be considered to be in an idealistic form. One woman mentioned that a participant’s facial structure was thin, so she could see her cheekbones…she had a “nice thin chin”. The participant had previously described that same chin as protruding when she smiles, which apparently is a flaw whereas a “nice thin” chin is preferable.

•   Other characteristics that drew my attention was the attention paid to “nice blue eyes”, “blond hair”, “full, expressive eyes”, “thin” features. All of these things were attributed to positivity, which (in our beautifully dichotomous society) draws attention to the opposites as being undesirable traits (I was always a fan of a chubby face myself. Cheeks and dimples are amazingly gorgeous). Those opposites just happened to be what many of the participants used to describe themselves to the forensic sketch artist.

•  When the participants were shown their sketches, they were definitely surprised (I know I would be). But the way one woman described her sketches really caught my attention. She mentions that the sketch on the left (her description) was closed off, fatter, more sad (she attributed these as bad), whereas the stranger’s description featured an open, friendly, happy rendition of the participant. This in a way reinforces that this “look” or disposition is the desirable one – that looking closed off, fat and sad isn’t ideal.

• The video closes with the women talking about how they now think that they are more beautiful than they had originally thought. One participant mentions that the way you think of yourself in space impacts everything in your life, the choices you make, choices in friends, jobs you apply for, how you treat your children … “It’s critical to your happiness”. This could be taken in a couple of different ways: A) We need to accept ourselves for who we are, love ourselves, and this will allow us to be more free flowing through life, as we won’t be so bogged down with the preoccupation of “fitting in” a certain way. B) The acceptance of yourself as who you are is also being impacted and influenced through ideals of what happiness means. In a sense this could drive people to be unhappy because they are constantly in the pursuit of happiness – perhaps they feel that they cannot accept their “inner beauty” because it is not one described within the commercial. One of those vicious cycle conundrums.

Remember, watch everything you see on television with a critical eye. The message being presented at the forefront is not always what you think. Latent (or hidden) functions of advertising are always present, and it’s important that we don’t get sucked in and fucked over by them. I’m not saying that Dove is inherently evil and is promoting Western beauty cult idealisms throughout their campaign meant to promote “real” beauty (whatever that is). I’m saying that it’s important to look deep within something before you hop on the band wagon. Overall, great message, underneath, I’ve got some issues. But hey, it’s a step in the right direction. Body acceptance is super cool and something we should all be practicing (myself included). Just be wary, young Padawan, the beauty cult lurks even within the most positive of messages. 

Very quickly before I go, I would just like to give you a (positive) recovery update

In December I saw a nutritionist in order to figure out a way to increase my calories and food intake without too much fear. Now that I have successfully been intaking a “normal” diet for more than 2 months (ish) I want to return to her to figure out some ways in which I can gain weight a little more steadily. I work out regularly, and I’m gaining very slowly, but now that the weather is nice I’m going out for little walks and strolls and such on top of my regular workouts (plus training for a 5 km run – one of my health in recovery goals). I don’t want that extra activity to impact my progress, so I need to figure some stuff out with her I think. What I love about the nice weather is that I will be able to do my cardio exercise outside and then just attend my gym for strength training. This is great because I fully plan on getting back into hiking (my brother’s wonderful girlfriend is going to be my hiking buddy), swimming, all that jazz.

Anyway, I was given goals in December that I was to work on at my own pace. These goals included:

1.      Aim for healthy fats in my diet – milks, yogurts, fish oil, flax meal, olive oil, nut butters, nuts and seeds
2.     Be mindful of my beverage intake – make your drinks count! Don’t let coffee take precedence over more nutrient dense beverages like smoothies, juice, milk, etc. 
3.       Investigate a fish oil based Omega-3 supplement

I just wanted to let you all know that I have achieved and maintained all three of those goals! I’m a stickler for making sure I’m reaching my fat goals, I drink things like Vega, Boost, smoothies, and other caloric beverages, and I take a regular supplement that works for me. I’m really proud that I’ve achieved these goals (however small they may seem – at the time they seemed impossible. I was having issues even putting milk in my coffee) and I think I’m ready for a new set of goals.

I’m scared as fuck, but I’m told that fear is expected.

OK. 

Bring it on.

Heath.

POST SCRIPT

Remember how I had mentioned that I was in the process of training to do a 5km road race? WELL FOLKS, I have been working up to regaining my strength through months of baby steps on the treadmill and adding little jogging sections to my walks outdoors, just to get used to jogging on pavement again. Today I jogged a full FIVE KILOMETERS!!! Words cannot describe how proud I am. I actually felt like a million bucks afterward. Not only was this because of the accomplishment that I had achieved, but because I know that I have been taking care of myself to the best of my ability while preparing for this. I'm going to take it easy though, as I know I am going to need to make some adjustments nutritionally in order to support my active lifestyle within recovery so that I can continue to exercise and be active (which makes me feel normal, happy, like my old self) without losing weight or halting my recovery. Looking at my body as needing fuel and nourishment in order to accomplish this road race is really helping me get through this. My dad also told me today that he is trying to get back into walking/jogging so that he can do the event with me!  So fucking pumped!

Me after my jog, cool down and stretches. Directly before I ate the biggest bowl of organic chocolate banana oatmeal known to mankind. Yes, it was fucking delicious.