The Monumental Graham Cracker

According to Wikipedia, these crispy, crunchy, sweet, tasty, and essential ingredient in cheesecake crusts and s’mores were invented in 1829  in New Jersey by a man named Sylvester Graham (sweet name, huh?). Graham crackers were originally unsweetened, pretty well flavorless crackers made from a combination of wheat flour, wheat bran, and wheat germ (...yum *note sarcasm). They began to resemble a cookie when they were sweetened with honey.

Wait, Heather, why in the fuck are you telling me this nonsense?

To be honest, I was just curious about the graham cracker's origin. The cracker in question, however, is a very important part of this post… The reason for it, actually.

I have been in a serious funk lately. My depression is bad as fuck. I don’t know where my days are going. Even though I’m doing things, attending shows, movies, yoga sessions, choir practice, going to the gym… It feels as if I have done nothing with my day. Like I’m a shell, existing merely because I have to. It will pass, apparently. I guess I have to deal with my feelings first. I’m not good at that.

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE CRACKER (the Graham kind, not the slur for white people kind. I`m pretty sure that would be typed more along the lines of `cracka`, but who am I to decide that. If anyone knows for sure, let me in on the proper spelling).

So, I plan every day of my life when it comes to food in order to make sure I reach my caloric goals for the day. This way I know what I’m eating, how much I am intaking, and how to balance nutrients to maximize their effect in my overall recovery. I’m still really strict with this whole regime, but that will fade in time. I’m told I’ll get to a point where I won’t count, measure, or weigh my food (which has been a reality in the past…A reality I want back). So, by the end of the day, I have a happy tummy full of nutrients and good food to make me better. I don’t eat anything outside my plan without counting it. 

Tonight was a little different.

Mama and I just finished watching the finale of dancing with the Stars (which was phenomenal). 

Kellie Pickler won. I was happy with this.

The Mama went up to bed, I was tidying up the kitchen. Pop corn bowls, apples cores, putting dishes away, and the like. All of a sudden, I had a craving (something that hasn’t happened in some time). I really wanted graham crackers. I figured “hey, half a graham cracker won’t hurt”. So off I go to the cupboard. I grab a cracker, snap it in half, and eat one half of the cracker. I stare at the other lonely half. My mind promptly tells me “no. You did not plan this food. You will get fat. You are not allowed this. Save it for later”. So little old me puts the cracker away and heads for bed. I got half way across the kitchen before I realized “wait, who the fuck eats half a graham cracker?!” I promptly fish that half a cracker out of the box and munch the rest up. I come up to bed quite satisfied. (Side note: I used to be a person who took a week to a week and a half to fully eat a granola bar, or a cookie out of fear). 

Now. Some of you may think I am crazy. Others might understand a little bit. I ate something that A)I wanted, B)was not planned and C)was not counted in my calorie deficit, looked up immediately to asses the “damage” of the food, or debated because of fat feelings. ED was trying to take hold, and I kicked him in the balls. I ate something and I didn’t care. I felt no guilt.

I hope that this is a first step, a sign that I’ll be able to attend family meals, barbeques, parties… maybe start eating things during the day that might not be planned, but are dishes I want. It’s a weird step toward normality in a sense.

Will eating outside of my plan make me fat, unhappy, weak? Uh, no, but giving into the ED thoughts will have a negative effect on you, your loved ones, and your life in general. .I just had to fucking blog about it. This is awesome. ED sucks and I rock. As stupid as this may seem, eating this little graham cracker was very empowering. Take that ED, yeh bastard.

Heath.