First off, I'm not going to apologize for my use of the word "y'all". Second, I promised you there was some news I have neglected to tell you. My last post was just so G.D long I couldn't put you through another marathon reading of other happenings in my life. So, here goes, Life as of late:
My body image shit days seem to be subsiding somewhat. I've narrowed it down to the fact that ED is really hating on the fact that I am living and starting to feel more comfortable taking risks, being spontaneous, well... living. He pulls the rope from time to time, just to remind me that he's still there. This involved almost two weeks of VERY loud eating disordered thoughts. It was made especially worse by the fact that I have put more visible weight on. Now, I'm not saying the weight is a bad thing. I want my curves back. It was just an inconvinient time for my body to change simply because it gave ED a little more amunition to challenge me with. These past two weeks involved endless body checks, endless put downs, utterances of "fatty", "cow", "worthless", "you're letting yourself go". I was scrutinizing having oatmeal, fresh fruit and protein powder as a bedtime snack, for fuck sakes! I was tempted to weigh in, to restrict, to work out that extra little bit. To ED's disappointment I have given in to none of the temptations my eating disorder presented me with. This strength is just another thing that solidifies the fact that I can and will live a recovered life. ED can bitch all he wants. I don't have to listen. Simple as that. The past two days have been relatively good body days! The body checks are subsiding, and I'm starting to feel comfortable again, accepting the changes in my life, and telling ED to sit down and shut the fuck up just in time for the Mama and I to host our very own Epicure party this weekend! Imagine, I'm helping host a party that entirely revolves around FOOD and EATING! How exciting.
On to other things.
The month of February is going to be a busy mother-effing month. I have quite a few things on my plate, all very exciting things. I`ll start with the fact that February 9th is the day that The Walking Dead starts up again. Words cannot describe the joy this brings me. Jess and I are all caught up on season 4, so bring on the carnage!
On the 11th of February I will be making a HUGE step in both my recovery and in life. I`m going on a trip! I`ll be flying out to Saskatchewan for a week to see a certain someone! This is going to involve some serious recovery warrior status shit on my part. I will have to be flexible, meet new people, eat on the fly, get away from routine, and most of all, be comfortable and open if I`m feeling stressed in any situation. I`m confident in saying that after this experience, I think I`ll be safe in saying nothing can hold me back now. Traveling is very high up on my list of reasons to recover, so let`s just say this is the beginning of a dream come true. Not to mention I`ll get to spend a week with a guy who makes me feel gushy and like a girl (god forbid).
Another set of very important dates in February happen to be the 2nd to the 8th. That week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It`s a time where we can bring to light and discuss a mental illness that affects millions of people. Our younger generations are growing up in a world where unattainable beauty ideals are more rampant than ever, where pressure to succeed and be "perfect" is almost second nature, and where anxiety and depression disorders are being spotted in children in elementary school. Mental health and mental illnesses, though more openly discussed in today's day and age, are still the elephant in the room. People find them awkward, are ashamed to be affected by them, and don't necessarily understand how debilitating and maladaptive these illnesses are in the lives of so many. Now. The reason I'm bringing this week up so far in advance is because I am very proud to announce that at this years' National Eating Disorder Awareness week workshop being held locally I will be one of four keynote speakers! There will also be a panel of four other physicians! I (and my fellow recoverees) will be discussing our first hand experiences with eating disorders, especially relaying how these illnesses not only affect us, but everyone around us... Families, friends, relationships. No part of your life is untouched by these illnesses. Anyone can stand in front of a crowd and relay the "symptoms and causes" of an eating disorder, but not everyone can relay exactly what it's like to have lived it. The doctor's visits, the diagnosis, the weight restoration, the fear, the despair, wishing you were dead. There will be many professionals present at this workshop including teachers, physicians, psychologists, professors, as well as patients and family members! As excited as I am to have been given this opportunity, I am also extremely nervous and anxious. I mean, yeah, I've told my story... It's all right here. However, I've never told the whole story out loud. I know this is important, and I'm honored to be a part of it. This is what I want to do with my life, and this workshop is the first step. The icing on the cake (literally) is that this speaking engagement takes place on my birthday!! It's almost as if things have come full circle. There were many times in the past where I was fearful I wouldn't be alive to see my 22nd birthday and on my 23rd birthday I will be telling my story of hope. Seriously, amazing stuff.
So, that's it! That's what's new and exciting right now! Stay tuned for another ranty-as-shit blog in the near future. Lots of sociological, society blows, body hating stuff has been happening lately, and I've got a lot to say about it.
Surprised?
Yeah I didn't think so.
Anyway, I'll leave you all be. As always, I appreciate every single one of you. Your support and readership is what keeps me doing this thing. I love you all. You all seriously rock my fucking socks (as opposed to my regular socks).
Keep on keepin` on.
Heath
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