Where in the name of all that is holy did September go?!

People of the internet,

I suppose it’s high time I give you guys some sort of written update. I tried VLogging a few days ago. I must say, it was different. It definitely isn’t something I’m used to, but I think I will be doing more of it in the future. It will especially be helpful when I am extremely passionate about a subject, as I often find my magnificent brain moving far too fast for my nimble fingers (she’s modest, too!).

The main purpose for this post (as per usual) is to update you on my progress and how I’m doing. I’ve got a mostly positive report card for you, but as always, there are struggles. I have, however, learned the benefit of trying to find a silver lining in every black as fuck death cloud that may show up in my otherwise blue sky.

So, what have I been up to?

First off, I am still eating intuitively, and I’m starting to get really good at it! I still have my issues, and sometimes I need encouragement or help choosing food, but for the most part I am able to do these things on my own. There are definite positives to this leap of faith I’ve taken which include (but are not limited to) the following:

• 1.       Grocery shopping is so much more fucking fun now

• 2.       I have a new love for “high fat” foods such as nut butters, trail mix (homemade and organic!), nuts, fatty fruits like avocado, and butter. I find myself craving a good fat source with every meal/snack and I work to optimize my intake of healthy fats as much as possible (in addition to taking my Omega-3 supplement daily, which is always good).

• 3.       I am able to be all like “yo, Ma, what’s for dinner?!” and make the choice whether or not I feel like participating. For example, I don’t eat red meat, so if Mama is making steak, I’ll take out a chicken breast for myself

• 4.       I am able to DO things like go out for manicures (which I did last week, it was awesome to do something for me), or go on a whale watching cruise, or just go out for a walk or a visit without having to work everything around my meal plan. I know I’ll eat when I’m hungry next, and if I know I’ll be gone a while I’ll have a big lunch, or bring a snack in my bag

• 5.       I can have “a handful of this” and “a spoonful of that” throughout the day without worrying about “how the calories will add up and magically turn to fat and make me big and gigantic and blahblahblah etc, etc, etc”

• 6.       I can participate in family meals (it’s awesome, something I’ve missed, and something I am super grateful to be able to do again)

Those are all very good things, but there are difficulties involved in this process as well. As I’ve mentioned, this is the hardest thing I have ever done, and will probably be one of the hardest things I’ll ever do. It is a necessary step toward taking my life back. So, some of the difficult shit involved includes (but is not limited to):

• 1.       Feelings of panic or inadequacy when I do something for myself. My inner critic likes to kick in and tell me that I am undeserving of the happiness I may be feeling. That in turn makes me feel as if things are out of control, and tempts me to restrict, or weigh myself and bash myself for whatever number pops up on the scale

• 2.       Mild (but not full blown) panic attacks. Sometimes I just get so exhausted with staying positive that it is just impossible to cope anymore. There is screaming, crying, hands buried in hair… Sometimes I’ll pound on my chest as I am speaking in order to bring emphasis to my words. I don’t realize it at the time, but I am seriously hurting myself. I’ll end up with bruises. This used to happen often, but not so much anymore (as in  hardly ever)

• 3.       Frustration that I can’t just be “done and over with” with this whole eating disorder situation

• 4.       ED thoughts that creep in telling me what I “should” do rather than what I want to do. “You can’t eat two handfuls of trailmix, you already put heaps of almond butter in your oatmeal this morning” (like that makes sense).

In the end, there are more good days than bad days. This past week has probably been the best week I have had in a very VERY long time. There was one day that I reached my breaking point, but I got back on the horse and found that silver lining. I told myself that the sun will rise tomorrow, regardless of what has happened today, therefore I should put my big girl panties on and face that motherfucker like I’m getting paid for it. I’m busying myself with looking up new recipes to try, TRYING said recipes, cleaning out my bedroom so it can be renovated and painted, working on things for my internship, staying healthy and maintaining a positive relationship with the fitness aspect of my life, taking real rest days, trying to (and succeeding in) reconnecting with old friends and working on making some new ones, looking for part time work in order to have something to do, reading (like a motherfucking champ), baking, and essentially doing things FOR ME. It’s a new concept, but I’m actually getting the hang of it!

I realized yesterday that I am finally seeing glimpses of normality within my life. I’m finally starting to relax. I’m dealing with a lot, yes, but I’m starting to get used to the way things flow, and am sort of working on coming into my own. I am weighing myself far less than I used to (I was usually weighing in every couple of days), and now I’m working on only doing so once or twice a week. I’ve found myself much happier when I do not weigh myself even though at times I can be tempted. Like, on my bad day. I wanted to weigh myself so badly. No one was home, there were no distractions, so I did the only thing I could do: I removed myself from the house (where the evil scale lives). I went for a nice walk until the urges passed, and then I returned home. I was very proud of this.

Ending this escapade on a positive note, I will share photos of what else I have been doing (because it is absolutely necessary)

Buying insanely large zucchini

Turning them into muffins (huge step toward freedom here)

Chocolate chip zucchini muffins. Delicious and vegan to boot!

A happy camper

Eating said muffins (all day every day… well maybe not all day, but everyday)

Rug hooking (not bad for a first time hooker)

Going on whale cruises (and not seeing a god damned thing)

Waiting for the boat

My main support, my best friend

The coast of my beautiful island

It was a smooth ride out, quite the opposite on the way in. let's just say this: Salt water is good for your skin

Walking through the beautiful Margaree Valley with my Mama

I will never get sick of this place

I have also been concentrating on what I would like to focus on blog wise. Discussing topics with people helps, and on a drive with a friend, a few great ideas have been flung around including fat/skinny shaming (or body shaming in general), as well as a post concentrating on exercise and the importance of having a healthy relationship with food and fitness. I am trying to challenge myself as much as possible (as scary as this is). These challenges will include eating in a restaurant (as my overnight conference is coming up, and this is going to have to be necessary), pumping myself up for thanksgiving dinner with my family and keeping my head above water.

All in all it’s been interesting. I’m having a lot of body issues lately, to be honest. By "body issues" I mean I am trying to get used to the way my body has changed since I began eating intuitively. My weight has shifted, I am starting to fill out at my hips, and my boobs are starting to get bigger. Overall I see all of this as an extremely good thing. I want the bony bits to go away, and I also don’t want to look like a little boy anymore. It’s just a lot to get used to. Sometimes I find myself purposely covering myself with sweaters and such, just so I am not tempted to scrutinize and body check. Whatever works, right?

Life is starting to become exciting again. It’s already a bajillion times better than last September, I’ll tell you that much. I have a lot to look forward to now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Celebrations, Christmas, trying new things, trying (and enjoying) new foods and lots more including my brother’s return from his work term (he has been gone five months, I miss him. Shh… don’t tell), playing guitar again (I’m working on it), painting, and sticking with choir this time around.

I meant to keep this post short, but you all probably know better than anyone that I absolutely suck at that. Oh well, I said what I needed to for now (I think). As always, I thank you for taking the time to share my journey. The support I have been receiving as of late has been overwhelming. I have made so many connections and solid friendships through this new found support system that I am floored everyday. I am so thankful for these new friends. They give me strength, even from other parts of the world. I’ve got the people close to home as well who mean the world to me. Everyone. All of you. You are all awesome. Pat yourselves on the back.

Have a great week, Earthlings.
Heath