Things are proving to remain difficult, anxiety inducing,
and extremely tough. I am depressed, scared, anxious, sometimes hopeless, and
am most definitely frustrated, angry, but also determined and stubborn. Now
that it’s summer time, there’s a lot that I feel I’m missing out on. Going to
the beach, drinking beer, going for ice cream, partying, Barbeques, being
around people. It’s all controlled and restricted by schedules, eating
regimens, and fear. I know it sounds silly, but I would probably give my left
arm to be able to be all like “hey, let’s go grab an ice cream after supper!”. I mean, many of you are probably like “Yo,
Heather, you eat like a horse and work out a whole bunch. I eat ice cream all
the time, fucking go for it, bro!” This is all well and good, and to be honest,
I could probably force the ice cream down my throat. However, the guilt, shame,
and fear that would follow because of taking that action would make the whole
experience not worth it, and probably trigger a relapse. This is why
relinquishing my constant meal planning, meal prep, and the painstaking hours it
takes to plan every morsel that passes my lips is so important. Not having to
count, not having to plan, not having to measure, it will open up a whole new
world for me that is going to be a big step in reclaiming myself, and being a “normal”
22 year old who can go to a BBQ with friends and choose what she wants to eat without guilt! I know I mention often
that ED isn’t all about food, but about underlying issues and control within
the person suffering. Because so often celebration and fun revolves around food and drink, it would be nice to be able to
participate in that shit like I used to
(without the fear of becoming a gelatinous blob overnight, or being unable to
control myself. By giving into what I WANT I am relinquishing ED. ED doesn’t
like that, so he’s trying to keep a strangle hold on me).
This is all a work in progress. It is very slow and
deliberate and is going to take some time, but with the help of my support
team, and my psychologist, we have developed a plan that will eventually allow
me to not have to plan my meals and
snacks, so I can eat what I want, when I want, without giving two sweet fucks
whether or not it’s “allowed” or “safe” food. We are taking the controlling,
OCD parts of this disorder and using to my benefit, letting go of control while
still having control. We started by taking one food item in my day (of my
choosing) and NOT measuring it. No weighing
just put the portion on your plate and eat it. It can be really scary, but
because the meal has been planned, and I’m measuring every other aspect of the
meal I still feel as if I am in control, and that shuts ED up. This week
(starting today) we’ve moved on to not measuring two items in my day. While I
was doing my food prep last night I chose a part of my lunch and a part of my
dinner that would not be weighed or measured. It’s all portioned out in the
fridge, and I know that I don’t know how much is there. But hey, this is a step
forward. It causes anxiety for sure, but by doing this eventually I won’t have
to measure entire meals. Someday that will allow me to be able to eat at say, a
restaurant, or at a family dinner where I will be able to choose how much I
want to eat because that’s how much I want to eat. It’s going to take a while,
and it’s a fuck tonne of work, but I’m ready. Last night I didn’t measure the
fish that I ate!! This is a big deal. I don’t know what the anxieties are
surrounding the weighing of meat, but it was one of the food items in my day I
had been avoiding going under the chopping block. Last night, I did it. I think
I took a little bit more than I normally would, but hey, I’ll never know. And I’m
no bigger or smaller than I was yesterday. Not measuring the fish didn’t kill
me (surprise surprise). My long term
goal is to be able to be well enough by Thanksgiving to have a REAL
thanksgiving dinner with my family, with all of the trimmings (including
dessert)! I hope I can do it… I’m
working so hard at this, and I want it to pay off. I want to feel free, and
enjoying celebrations with my family is a big part of that.
In other news, I have been doing a lot of art work lately. I
think I own art again. I only get a little nervous when I sit down in front of
the canvas or take charcoal in my hands. ED is losing that battle. My next step
is clay, and then I want to take music back. I miss the fuck out of my guitar.
When I pick it up, it doesn’t feel like my baby anymore, and that hurts. So
that’s next up.
I’m doing a lot of running. The Road Race is next month, and
I recently ran my best time on July first. I ran 3 miles, or 5 kilometers in 27
minutes and 30 seconds! I felt like a million bucks!! In May I was running a 36
minute outdoor 5 kilometers, so I have come a very long way. As I’ve said
before, exercise is really important to me, as it encourages me to nourish my
body so that I have the proper fuel to do all of the activity I do as well as
make my body strong and restore my weight at the same time (which is happening
slowly, but surely).
This past weekend I went to my cabin in Margaree for the
evening. I’ve been avoiding it, I will admit. The reason behind this is that
throughout my entire life, Maragree has been a safe haven, a place where I grew
up, a fun, happy place…The only place that hasn’t been touched by my eating
disorder. I was scared that by going there I would ruin it for myself. Well,
after meticulous planning, endless food prep (I’m not travel friendly, and
should probably buy shares in Tupperware companies because of this) I took the
plunge. It’s nerve wracking. The cabin is a place where people just drop in –
not being able to eat in front of those I don’t feel safe eating in front of
becomes an issue here. It’s also a high traffic zone and a very small space, so
I feel as if there is no real “safe” zone there. After a gigantic meltdown on
Sunday when I arrived, things ended up turning out pretty well. I ran my best
time the following morning (and discovered that running in the country is the
best things since sliced fucking bread), visited with family members (even
prepared a meal while my cousin and his kids were visiting) and (get this) had
a fucking Barbeque dinner with the Mama and Harv which included eating corn on
the cob for the first time in two years. I even cooked the frigger in the same
pot as everyone else’s food (which is a big deal), didn’t weigh the piece of corn I chose and even used fucking butter (as
opposed to regular butter) while eating the damned thing! BUTTER! And it was
awesome.
After that whole ordeal I have decided Margaree is pretty OK. It
will have its challenges, and is going to be a high anxiety spot for a while,
but it’ll get me used to exposure to people and food again and allows me to go
off the grid for a few days (there is no cell service or internet at my cabin).
I’m going back this weekend, Saturday night until Monday night. Harv and I even
planned a Hiking trip for Sunday afternoon!! We’re going to pack a picnic lunch
and go to Egypt Falls. I’ll take pictures, it’s fucking beautiful there.
Now, everything isn’t sunshine and rainbows let me remind
you. I have a lot of bad days. In fact, most of my days are difficult to get
through, involve tears, yelling, and a lot of self-loathing. I’m dreading Thursday,
as the Mama and I are going shopping for some summer clothes and a bathing
suit. I’m finding myself spending a lot of time longing for normalcy, for a fun
summer that I know I’m not going to have completely, and just… Happiness. It’ll
come, yeah, but as the running theme states:
It’s a work in progress.
Keep being Awesome, and as always, thank you for reading, following on Twitter, commenting and for the continual and unwavering support.
Heath
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