I've been a really bad blogger lately, haven't I? Oh well, that sucks I guess. It's not that I don't have much to say, it's that I don't have time to say it! Since the 15th I have been FLAT OUT experiencing new things, really sinking my teeth into new experiences, embracing recovery, and getting some things in order for some up coming events. To break it down for you all...
- I'm still dealing with some body image issues, but they are getting better. I have visibly changed over the past month. Though Heather is OK with it, wait, scratch that... excited about this, ED obviously is not. My changing and growing sexiness is something that ED simply can't handle. This I can understand. Sometimes one is just too hot for their own good, know what I'm saying? All jokes aside, my changing body gives old Eddie a chance to make his little quips about getting fat, telling me I should watch what I eat or exercise a little bit more because I'm just going to grow and grow and grow until I reach the approximate size of the Marshmellow Man featured in Ghostbusters. The only way to shut my brain up is to simply prove to it that this is not possible. I am proud to report that I have given in to no restrictions during these times. I may feel icky, or shitty, or guilty, but I throw on a sweater and get on with my day. Aint no one got time for ED's bullshittery.
- I grew out of my first pair of pants! Now you can only IMAGINE what a frenzy that sent ED into. I figure a lot of my body anxieties are coming from the fact that my clothes simply aren't fitting the right way anymore. I'm physically uncomfortable, and who wants that? So, I bought myself a new pair of pants. They are the same as the old pants, but in a different size. They make my ass look great. I would like to note that it took over a year for me to grow out of those stupid sick girl pants. This gaining thing is hard work. I'd still like to restore more weight. I want my curves back. I want to look like a "woman". No more hip bones.
- I've been making some serious gains in the gym while maintaining an extremely positive and healthy relationship with food and exercise. I'm proud.
- I've been looking for work (which in my field is hard to come by around here) and have just been offered a part time position in the health food/nutrition center that I frequent! Really Heather? You work part time in a health food store? Yeah. I'm not that surprised either. It'll keep me busy and in some cash while I still look for my "big girl" job. It also means I'll meet new people and have something to do besides working out and reading!
- I have been pinning recipes, food shopping, cooking and baking up a storm. My goal is to become more flexible with food. In the past 10 days I have tried 9 new recipes... NINE! These ranged from new protein shakes to entreés, so sweet treats to snacks. Last night I made Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal Breakfast Bars with honey and natural peanut butter. Everyone needs these in their life. No lie. I don't even understand how something could taste so delicious. Anyway, what matters is that embracing my recovery has made me able to try new recipes again! No meticulous measuring or calorie counts, looking at the quality of food in the recipe rather than the quantity and most importantly eating what I make (and not just on one day, knowing I can have what I make each and every day). The best part is licking the spoon and not having to worry in my head about "trading off the calories" later.
- I have reached three months without weighing myself and five months of eating on my own without meal plans. Words cannot explain how proud I am. Life has opened up ten fold, especially since I put Mr.Scale away. I plan on smashing it in the spring when the snow is gone.
- I have a speech written for my speaking gig at our National Eating Disorder Awareness Week Workshop. That's another reason I have been so absent. I have been writing, just not blogging. Now. Telling my story is going to be tough. Writing it was tough. It was a very emotional, tiring process. I have less than a week to familiarize myself with it and then I have to say it out loud to a room of (mostly) strangers. Apparently 80-100 people showed up last year...This is far more people than I had anticipated, but oh well. That day is my 23rd birthday as well! So, exciting times. Oh, I will be posting a copy of my speech here, so you all can read it.
- I leave for Saskatchewan in a little over a week. This trip is scaring the berjeezus out of me. It's a huge reason as to why I've been practicing food flexibility lately. I've got a lot to prove with this trip, and though I'm putting no hard expectations on myself, I am feeling pressure to do well, not let ED win, to take chances, and allow myself to enjoy and have fun.
Much love to all of you, especially my warriors.
Until next time,