The Most Massive Update Ever (two weeks worth)

There are no excuses for my absence over the past ten days or so.

Actually. There are excuses. Plenty. And they're good, I promise. None of this "My dog ate my homework" bullshit. I've been busy. By busy I mean kicking ass.

So. I haven't been blogging because I've been way too busy kicking ass. I think that's fair.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

October 12th -- A visit from Laurel B!I was fortunate enough to be graced by the presence of one of my oldest friends over the weekend! I haven't seen Laurel in a dog's age, catching up with her over Coffee (and tea!) was so refreshing. The best part was not being a slave to time constraints in my eating schedule and being able to laugh, smile, reminisce and enjoy the moment. She's coming back in November for a visit. We are planning on going out for dinner!!

 

 October 13 -- Thanksgiving

First off, I survived. I started the day by going to the gym in order to clear my head. I am grateful every day that I have a positive relationship with exercise again, that I can use it to relieve stress and to feel good about myself. Thanksgiving was nerve wracking for me. Not only was I participating in my first family meal that didn't consist of solely my immediate family, I was doing so on a day that is pretty much devoted to feasting. I helped the Mama prepare a fantastic meal that consisted of turkey, squash, potatoes, carrots, turnips, gravy, stuffing, homemade cranberry dressing, pumpkin pie (made by yours truly) and Harv's Birthday cake!

My main focus for the day was not solely on the meal (which was delicious), but was resting on the fact that I am fortunate to be able to be around to celebrate this holiday with my family, the people who I love and who love me. We were able to talk, laugh, carry on, and enjoy a fantastic meal all at the same time. And that, people, is what this recovery shit is all about. It's about living again. The food is relative. Yes, it's important, but it's getting those connections back. That's what matters.

I had a few struggles (especially with dessert. ED seems to think no matter what, having something to eat that I really enjoy is "bad" and "not allowed"). Whenever I became overwhelmed I excused myself briefly. I usually announced that I had to use the washroom (which didn't surprise people, seeing as I pee so much I should get paid for it). I'd sit for a bit, take some deep breaths, remind myself I was among friends, that I was safe and that I was just as entitled as everyone else there to enjoy myself at dinner and would return when I was ready.

My evening ended with my Aunt teaching me how to finish up the hooking I did for the Mama for her birthday. I also got to watch The Walking Dead. Ending the day with zombies is always a win in my books. Oh, and the pie was delicious, by the way.

Family

FOOD

PIE

I baked this at 8 am, I was so excited.

 October 14th -- Father/Daughter Hike
The day after Thanksgiving, Harv and I decided to get one last hike in for the year. A few days previous while out with his fellow Scouts volunteers Harv checked out some trails on a nearby hill and asked me if I might want to go on the weekend. Now, as most of you know, I am always up for a hike, especially with Harv! I feel so calm and at home in the forest, and it's a great workout as well! Naturally I jumped at the occasion to get one last hike in with my dad. It had been since early August since we had a chance to do any hiking.

So after I hit the gym in the morning to lift some weights (just a light day to kill the time while Harv was on some calls), we each had a nice big meal and headed to the trails! I had my favorite breakfast for lunch (greek yogurt and apple overnight oatmeal with obscene amounts of almond butter -- fantastic fuel for any activity!). When we got the the hill it was packed, which made sense with it being a long weekend and all. It was nice to see friendly, smiling faces on the trails. My favorite part of all of this is that I got to see the colors of the leaves, which were just about to peak. I was able to enjoy something outside of my ED. I was present, aware, conscious, appreciative and simply free! We had planned on doing a short hike, but felt it wasn't quite enough. So, we went exploring on another trail and ended up hiking over 6 kilometers that afternoon! Needless to say we were ready for a good meal and a hot shower when we got home.

That's Harv

I am learning to appreciate life's beauty

This was an endurance hike. So much easier going up this slope than down it!

October 16/17th -- Conference for Aboriginal Women in Business of the Maritimes
THIS was a big one, people. As some of you may know, I have been looking for some work to get me back into this whole "be present in the real world" part of recovery. I want to work in my degree. I want to DO something with myself. I want to feel useful and awesome and like I am making a difference. Luckily, a former professor of mine hooked me up with a consulting firm near my home! They scooped me up and I have been doing some work there as an intern. Some paid, some unpaid, but hey, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Not going to Graduate School and deciding to stay home and work out some shit in my life was one big-ass decision. It caused a lot of worry. What the fuck do I do now? I'm not in school, I'm going to be useless! What if I don't find work! I quickly let all of that go. What's going to happen is going to happen, so I might as well make the most of it. Besides, school will always be there. I only have one (kick-ass) body. It needs taking care of. That takes priority.

Anyway, M (owner of the firm) invited me to attend an overnight trip to accompany her team to a workshop they had organized for First Nations business owners of the Maritimes. The best part is that they would all be women business owners! Right up my alley! Strong, determined women, aboriginal studies, participatory action research, learning!

But wait.
ED.

He obviously wasn't allowed to come. There was so much fear though! Two days of eating on the road. Not being able to control my intake. Eating in front of large groups. Restaurant eating. Not to mention I had to be everything that ED hates so much! I had to be confident, brave, beautiful, intelligent, determined, organized. I had to show the world what I was good at! With this being stifled for so long, naturally I was scared as all fuck. I had two months to prepare for this. Within that two months I threw away all meal plans, ate in a restaurant for practice, started to enjoy life again and participated in Thanksgiving! I could do this conference!

And that I did

Words cannot describe how proud I am of myself of this accomplishment. I was mindful, determined and constantly checking in with myself. If I made a food choice I made sure to ask if it was for ME or for ED. If the answer wasn't that it was for ME, well then, that ED behavior had to take a fucking hike (and not the kind of hike Harv and I went on, the kind of hike that leads straight to the firey bowels of hell). I learned so much, and I was present while I was learning. I understand now how people were surprised that I was able to get an honors degree in the state I was in last year. My brain was in such a fog. Either way, that is a part of the past. Eddie had no control, it was all me. Now I have no excuses to give in to my fears. I accomplished something great, there is no need for me to shy away from the rest of my life. Bad-assery. I am a champion.

Hotel Selfies

Another restaurant meal bites the dust!

classy as always. Bathroom shot before the conference started. Super nervous here!

A group of very dynamic, strong, determined women

October 18-20 -- Weekend with Matty

Matt has been home for two weeks now, but what with my busy schedule and some things going on in his life, we have been unable to hang out properly. My brother and I have always been best friends, no lie. I mean, there was always that understanding that as the big sister, I was the boss, and all that good stuff (Jokes...I never did beat him up though!), but otherwise, we were always a huge part of each other's lives. This past year we had been torn apart not only by my years away at school, but by ED. ED took Matty away from me, and Matt had a serious hate on for that. Matt has been out West working in a job placement for five months. He told me the difference he sees in my progress over the passing time. Knowing he is proud of me and wants to rekindle our relationship makes me the happiest motherfucking person alive. I love my brother. I hate that ED took him away from me. This is not a reality any longer.

So, Mama and Harv went to our cabin for the weekend, and that gave Matty and I the chance to hang out properly! Our weekend consisted of homecooked meals, pumpkin carving, watching Rocky Horror Picture Show (he's never seen it, can you BELIEVE that?!), looking around thrift stores for Halloween costume ideas, visiting family, baking homemade graham crackers and watching Trreehouse of Horror while we chowed down on our baking (along with sharing some M&Ms!), watching Matty show off his cooking skills (trying to teach me how to crack eggs with one hand. One word -- disaster), and going on a hike on the same hill Harv and I tackled the weekend before! The leaves were even more gorgeous this time around. Matt couldn't stop talking about how much fun he had this weekend, my heart was ready to explode in a mushy, over emotional, bloody mess. I good kind of explosion, I think. He even attended my choir performance Sunday evening!! I had a solo. Nerve wracking as all shit, but hey, I am taking back what I own, and that includes my voice. I said I was going to stick with singing, and I am doing just that! I've even started playing guitar again.

My favorite part of the weekend was pumpkin carving. Last year I didn't carve a pumpkin. It was something that made me happy, and ED didn't like that. Clearly, I wasn't letting that happen this year. ED got to sit out in the October cold, freezing his ass off while I watched a lingerie clad Tim Curry sing his heart out, spent time with my brother, and carved a pretty impressive pumpkin (if I do say so myself)!

I really do love pumpkins

This is a typical sibling photo

My pumpkin! Boo!

Value Village. Best. Hat. Ever.

Hiking time!

The weather was perfect. I couldn't ask for a better day with my brother

There he is, the handsome devil.

So. That's what's been going on in my life over the past two weeks. Yeah, it's been busy, but it's been good. I'm not going to dwell on the shitty stuff that comes a long with fighting the good fight simply because I don't want to end this post on a negative note. Just know that the bad days are more like bad hours. They happen less and less. I am able to recognize that I am feeling negative, I feel those feelings, have my cry, and cope in any way I can. I struggle with letting some things go, like allowing myself to fully enjoy myself at a meal time by indulging on a "not so healthy" dessert, and sometimes ED will creep into my head, want me to jump on the scale and define myself by that number. The point is that I can recognize these irrationalities, that I can see ED coming, and that I can prepare myself. This is an uphill battle. But I am making ground.

As always, I thank you for your support, your comments, and your general awesomeness. Keep that up, it looks good on you.

Much love,
Heath.