Sunday, 9 June 2013

I Haven’t Disappeared


I’ve had a few people asking about my “ways to relax” post. I just want all of you lovely readers to know that it is in progress! I had a bit of a fun idea for the post, so it’s turned into more of a project than a simple blog post. Be excited. As for other news, I’m currently doing research into my “males and body image issues” topic, so that is taking some time as well. On top of this I’m still struggling a bit lot with my depression, social anxiety issues, and dealing with the ever present and increasing ED thoughts I’ve been having lately, as well as everyday life. I just wanted to let y’all know that I haven’t gone on a hiatus again (I would also like to apologize for my use of the term "y'all"). You deserve an update, and I should probably give you one considering it’s been more than a week.

I’ve gained a bit more permanent weight, and have been seeing some drastic changes in my body since changing up my fitness routine. By taking more time to rest and recover I have seen some noticeable growth, which makes me really happy. Exercise (HEALTHY exercise) has allowed me to find a happy, peaceful, and very positive relationship with my body. I feel so strong (especially when/after I run) and I am sure to thank my body after every walk, every run, and every lifting session for being strong, growing stronger every day and providing me with the ability to have a good relationship with working out again. So yay me, I guess.

I’ve been forcing myself into social situations again (as difficult as it is). I went out for K’s birthday on Friday night. I would be a liar if I said I was completely OK with everything. I had a difficult day leading up to going to the bar. I felt like I was going to throw up I was so anxious and overwhelmed. Needless to say, I got through everything OK, I even faced a huge fear of mine and went shopping for a new outfit to wear. Having so many body image issues makes shopping a nightmare (I’m dreading having to buy a bathing suit) but I had the Mama with me, and she is the best support anyone could ever ask for.

Boom, baby. I felt pretty badass, needless to say

Oh, and tonight I’m singing in my choir concert. I am both excited and extremely nervous for this. Six months ago I was unable to sing on account of chest pain. I have gotten back into singing on my own, but within a group one can only imagine how self-conscious and nervous I am. I have been a choral singer since I was nine years old. It seems only fair that I should reclaim it again. As with learning how to relax, my social anxiety and feelings of being unworthy to do the things I used to love will subside as I continue to push myself to do them. I’ll let you all know how things go.

I’m having a really hard time with eating again. I mean, I do it. If I don’t eat well, I can’t train. Training keeps me sane, so I eat. I just feel a lot of guilt again after consuming meals. I think it’s because I’m seeing the weight gain and bodily changes a little more now, so dear Edward likes to pipe up and tell me I’m getting really chubby, that I should slow down and not get too carried away, that I’ve gained enough and probably should restrict a bit,  just to stay "stable" (whatever that fucking means). I also feel a lot of guilt and have a lot of ED thoughts that counter act my “brave” thoughts. If I have a “monumental graham cracker” or a piece of fruit I don’t count in my meal plan, or eat late at night without waiting a certain amount of time before sleeping, ED tries to take a hold of me and make me feel fat and worthless. I keep reminding myself that the “fat” feelings are like codewords for other things I need to deal with in my life like anxiety, sadness, depression, anger. ED masks this as “you are fat and ugly and no one likes you so you probably shouldn’t eat that or even think about eating that. That way you can be thin and pretty again blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahbalhblah”. He’s like a droning voice nagging at me and I hate him. Fuck you, ED.

I often find myself jealous. I want so badly  be able to “just let go”. I want to say fuck it and go out for dinner like I used to. Eat a great meal without guilt and have dessert (even though I’m full, but hey, everyone deserves dessert now and again). I want to go to barbeques, drink with my friends, have fun at parties, get ice cream cones in the summer. I don’t want to count anymore. I don’t want to measure, or plan, or take care of every morsel that goes into my mouth. I want to forget the word calorie… I did fine in the past eating what and when I wanted to. I trusted myself then. I was happy, active, healthy, but I wasn’t afraid to go out for dinner once a week, eat dessert on a regular basis and party with my friends. I’ve recently recognized when the “c-word” became a part of my vocabulary. It was only 3 years ago. I was very much influenced through a past relationship. I became aware because my partner at the time was so hard on himself, what he ate, and his body image. By no means am I blaming him. All I’m saying is that when you’re exposed to it, you become aware, you compare yourself, and some of us are affected a little more than others. 

I just want to be fucking 22, H'okay?

Bottom line is I know I will be able to enjoy all of the things listed above; I just need to accept that it’s going to take time. I’m going to get there when I’m ready, at my own pace. I don’t know when that is, so eventually is good enough for me.

Have a fantastic week, beautiful people.

No comments:

Post a Comment