Monday, 22 April 2013

The Bitch is Back

By bitch, I mean me and by back I mean blogging. So, really, if you look at the direct translation of the Elton John lyric I used for the title of this blog you would get “me blogging”. Now, “Me Blogging” sounds neither creative nor interesting, so Elton John lyrics it is. 

First off, I realize I have not posted anything in months. For this I deeply apologize. I don’t want to make excuses, but if I must, I’ll just tell you that I’ve been spending my time concentrating on my final semester of school (which I finished on Sunday, BOO YEAH). My course load was quite heavy, and something needed to take the back burner for a little while. Sadly, that something was my blog. But, alas, I have finished my undergraduate degree (a Bachelor of Arts with an Honors in Sociology and a Minor in Psychology… Not to mention, I’ll graduate on the Dean’s list. I’m impressed and surprised as I figured this year was a bust. But hey, I’ll take it!) and now I have a bunch of free time on my hands. For the past four years I have been doing nothing but schooling and working. Free time is dangerous. I don’t know what to do with myself… UNTIL NOW! (-cue super hero music-)

Second off, I’ve made a lot of decisions within these past four months. Ultimately, I’ve decided that as of right now, I am not ready, nor do I want to get my Masters. This doesn’t mean I won’t go back in the future. Right now, however, I think it’s super important that I take some time for myself, explore my field, find a job I find fulfilling and gives me something to look forward to and well, live. I also think that going back for my Masters in a few years with experience under my belt will help me give a little more to the program, as well as gain much more out of it than if I went right into school directly after completing my undergrad. This route may not work, but hey, I’m going with my gut. If I fuck up, I fuck up. If I don’t…Well, this should be a new adventure. 

I suppose you’re probably wondering how I’m doing. I’m not going to lie; I often wonder the same thing. It’s been awhile, so I’m going to break this down for you:

  •  I’ve started gaining weight at a (somewhat) regular pace. This is both awesome and absolutely terrifying. Point is, it’s going to happen, so I might as well deal with it.
  • I have been cleared to do regular physical activity! I go to the gym on a regular basis doing cardio (very light cardio, mind you) and strength training. I’m starting to see visible muscle growth. This really gives me drive to continue to treat my body the right way. Food is nourishment so I can go to the gym and strengthen my heart and muscles. If I don’t eat enough, I can’t work out. Simple as that
  • As positive as those two points are, there is a lot of fear. My body is changing, and that’s really terrifying. It triggers a lot of ED thoughts, and it makes eating hard. I approach things with the same attitude I did months ago (finish your fucking food, it’s one step closer to getting better) except this time I feel a lot more control over ED than I did in the past. 
  •   As for the good days to bad days ratio, there are more good days. The lows are really low (yesterday was really low). The panic attacks are less frequent, but I think that’s because I’m bottling them up. I don’t know.
  • I am still receiving professional help, but I am seeing someone closer to home. Changing doctors was hard, but it’s really working out. Another positive thing about staying home for a while is that I won’t have to switch doctors… Again… I need some sort of stability.
  • I eat a balanced diet, and I’m happy to report that for more than a month and a half I have been eating at least 2000 calories a day without fail. I am so extremely proud of this. I get hungry, I get full. Hunger doesn’t scare me as much anymore. I simply get “hungry” most of the time – not “omg what is this rumbling I better fucking have a goddamn coffee before I do something stupid like EAT”. I get cravings, and for the most part, I satisfy them (Last week I was craving chocolate like a mother fucker. I had a chocolate vita muffin. They are healthy and delicious, and chocolate. And I LIKED IT). So, I guess you can say I enjoy food a lot more often than I fear it. This is scary, but awesome
  • I mentioned my body changing. It’s essentially like I’m going through puberty again. As if once wasn’t enough. Anyway, some of the bones are starting to get covered by this muscle/fat layer. I call it padding. I have pimples again and my hormones are all out of whack. I’ll be happy when things even out again. I’m starting to look like a woman again… A little bit. Again, scary, but awesome. I want so badly to embrace my body. I want so badly to love it. Now that I have this eating thing under control (for the most part), working on the psychological aspects of this disorder is proving to be difficult. 
  •   I’m reconnecting with friends; I’m going out, being social. Sometimes I have to force myself to do so, but a lot of the time I end up having fun.
I guess that’s the update on me for now. I’m sure there’s more. Well… Of course there’s more. I didn’t mention the anger I feel, how intense the fear can get, the depression, sadness, panic. All in due time. The anxiety is the worst part. I know I’m doing the right things here, but that voice in my head that belongs to my eating disorder likes to try to plant ideas in my head that tell me that I’m going to fuck things up, I’m going to be fat, no one is going to love me… More about that another time. I want to do a post specifically for dealing with the ups and downs. I’ll save it for then. 

There have been a lot of stressors in my life lately that I’m proud to say haven’t phased me. By this I mean they haven’t caused relapse. They won’t. I’m still not sure how to properly deal with these situations, but I’m working on it. Now that I’m finished schooling, I’m sure I can take some time to deal with this bullshit.

Future plans

  • I’m going to overhaul the blog. Update the “about me” page and get a list on the go as to what I’m going to be tackling with A Love Affair amongst keeping you posted about my progress.
  • I focused on fat phobia, fatism and the promotion of the thin ideal for my Political Sociology class this semester. Some of the work I did included a narrated PowerPoint presentation (which is pretty rad, if I do say so myself) and a pretty extensive paper in which I do a bit of my own research alongside literature reviews and conclusions drawn on the subject by other theorists and authors. I plan on posting them both here.
  • Maggie Goes on a Diet is still a priority on my list. Now that I have some time on my hands, I can get that ball rolling.
  • This whole new Dove Real Beauty Sketches with the commercials involving the forensic artist who draws the descriptions of women as they come from themselves, and then from a stranger. They apparently realize that they are far more beautiful than they think. The message is all well and good, but I feel it keeps a narrow scope on what beauty is and how we define beauty in our culture. Media literacy and the importance of latent messages within advertising – that old hat. See the commercial here:

I guess that’s it for now. There’s more I want to say, but I feel as if a (somewhat) short update and a glimpse into what I plan on doing with A Love Affair now that I have the time is what needs to happen before I dump a 6000 word post on you about something else in society that pisses me off. 

Thank you for being so patient, sticking with me through this, and being the most amazingly supportive and wonderful people for reading, showing interest, emailing, facebooking, asking how I am. It all means so much. I couldn’t do this without you guys.

Until next time,

Oh, PS – I changed my hair again. Surprised? You shouldn’t be.

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