This is my younger brother. He's on his way to work
So, just a little update for you all I suppose. Today was my brother's 19th Birthday. Needless to say, I feel like an old hag, but I know I can't control time (yet), so I guess I'm just going to have to deal with my younger brother getting older (sniff). Now. Birthdays, holidays, all that crap that happens on a yearly basis is pretty food centered, let's be honest. Having a disorder that characterizes anything remotely food like is a nightmare, especially when there's cake. I love cake, ED doesn't. So, with Mattie's big day approaching, I knew that I had some decisions to make. Do I run away? I know if I stick around, ED is going to make me miserable... Hrm, what to do?
The answer here, people, is to suck it the fuck up and face your fears. Today turned out rather well considering the circumstances! I'm proud today, or at least I think I'm proud. I successfully got to 1400 calories today, added oil to my food, and had a dessert like treat while my family partook in cake and Birthday festivities (for any of those wondering, I had a Caramel Nut Browning Luna Bar... A type of nutrition bar a little lesser in calories and sugar than the Clif Bars I used to eat when I was working out like a crazy lady. Anyway, the brownie Luna bar is quite dessert like, so I save them for such). I actually can't even get over myself today. 3 meals, dinner especially was normal people sized (spaghetti squash with sauteed veggies and shrimp) and I even had snacks! I haven't a fucking clue where this bravery came from, considering yesterday I was ready to jump off of a bridge, but hey, I'm not going to question it. Imma take this as one of those victories.
Needless to say, dear Edward was a cock all day today. Constant bombardment with mean comments about how fat I'm going to get by following this new sawtooth pattern of calorie increasing (varying caloric intake day by day, gradually increasing), adding olive oil to my food, and -gasp-, eating normal portion sizes. Now, I'm still mechanically eating, meaning that I eat at scheduled times because my body doesn't have the hunger signal down pat just yet, but hey, things will get by. My fucking weigh-in is on tuesday... I really hope I didn't lose weight. I know I'm not eating enough to maintain a body weight, meaning my body has been compensating to save energy in other areas. Scary, yeah, but I'll take small victories where I can. I'm also a cranky fucking bitch, like you have no idea. I'm told that this is because I'm not high anymore. No more endorphins for Heather's brain. It's a shame, because there are moments where I miss the power and control -- the feeling of starving and knowing I am depriving myself of something I need because I have the strength. I am beginning to recognize that these irrational thoughts are ED, pas moi. Sometimes it's hard to recognize, but I'm getting there. I was also quite shocked to see myself in the photo above when my mother showed me the picture for approval. I definitely don't see myself as thin as I am there, but hey, I've got some body dismorphia going on that I'm just going to live and let die until it rears it's ugly head.
I attribute part of my success to the activities I participated in today. Getting up this morning was hard, but I managed to pump out 2000 words on the fatism blog (coming soon!!!), and grabbed a coffee with a friend. I grocery shopped with mama, and we made a gorgeous Christmas centerpiece for my Aunt (which we are going to deliver tomorrow before yoga). We cooked together, we spent time together, and we talking about my disorder. Our fears, and our hopes. We've started making some game plans for the Christmas season, so I hope that lifts a bit of the anxiety...
I'm hoping to post a little Christmas survival guide soon after the fatism blog is out of the way. I invite you all to send me suggestions. What do you want me to write about? Is there an ad on television that pisses you off? Seriously, I'll take suggestions, it's what I'm here for I planned myself a busy week so I can somewhat distract myself from this calorie increasing business. I'm scared as fuck, I am going to admit. I have a lot of fear, but I don't have much of a choice here. ED and I really need to establish this break up soon. He really doesn't want to let me go, and I think there's a part of me that thinks I still need him, but I'm learning. Recovery is a process, and it's going to take time. People get out of this all the time, so I guess I have what it takes.. I'm going to be spending my time doing the rest of my schoolwork, yoga, christmas shopping, and even trying my hand at some badminton on Tuesday. I haven't done any real physical activity besides yoga since October, so we'll see how that goes.
Anyway, you all deserved a positive update. I promise, there's some shit I need to address that will be addressed, like the shitty parts of recovery. The apathy, wanting to give up, craving the hurt and not wanting to leave, feeling lost and alone, nothing without ED, feeling fat, grotesque, like you're sure you understand why no one wants you, or the reasons your partner left in the first place... You know, irrational shit like that. It's not rainbows and butterflies people, but fuck, you deserved to know that there are good (ish) days. They are still hard as fuck, and they are a constant battle (like a hurricane within your own mind), but they happen. These are the days you grab on to for strength, hopefully this little flame lasts as a strength provider for at least a little while. Tomorrow is another day, andother fucking fight. It's tiring, it really is, but hey, like I said, I haven't much of a choice here. I'm not completely in it for me, I'm in it for all of us suffering, I'm in it for my family, my friends, and you guys. We'll see what tomorrow brings, for now, I'm just going to stay comfy with the fact that I fucking accomplished something today, even though ED is telling me I'm wrong, that I'm useless and I'm kidding myself. He's just being difficult.
Ugh, Men (hehe),
Like I said, learn to laugh. It helps.